Warning: It's a sad post day.
I was SO excited about this month. It was going great. No real symptoms predicting that my aunt flow (darn her) was due to arrive and there were even a few things that might possibly point to a pregnancy. My husband and I just kept thinking "This could be it!" and it was perfect because our families were coming to visit us just in time. We were thrilled that we might be able to actually share our excitement with them in person and not over the phone. We even went as far to think "Maybe this was God's plan all along."
Yet here I am, sitting here, feeling the cramps come and go. DANG. I know that twinge of pain too well. It's the pain that makes my heart sink every month. She is due to arrive tomorrow. Looks like she will be stopping by after all. GREAT.
Man am I bummed today. It figures that it would take her this long to start showing off her symptoms. I was so hopeful. That's what I get I guess. You would think that after this many months I would be used to it; that it wouldn't affect me so. For some reason, it hurts worse with each passing month. We are starting to forget what it was like to hope.
Tears pierce my eyes as I type this. I am sick to my stomach. I want to be a mother so badly. I want to know what it feels like to have a little one, OUR little one, growing inside of me. How wonderful would it be to feel him/her twisting and turning and kicking me just letting me know that he/she is in there. I could care less if I got stretch marks or gained weight. I could care less if I end up sick the entire time. It would all be worth it just knowing that I finally get to be a mommy!
I see so many of my friends with their first born children growing so fast and they are already thinking it's time to have a second. As happy as I am for them, something still tugs at my heart. It hurts. I can't lie about it.
No matter how much I pray, the disappointment is always there, stronger than ever. I suppose that's expected. The Lord knows my heart and He knows my temperament. He knows I will be hurt every time I receive that little (-) sign. That's how He created me. I just wish He would show me why.
We do continue to trust and obey Lord. It's what we were created for. So why must it be so difficult? It during these depressing moments that I am reminded of the opposing force. Oh how I hate him. Why does he have to make life so much harder for everyone? I can't blame him for our struggles to conceive but I can certainly blame him for the way it makes me feel every single month.
The Lord is good. I know that. I HAVE TO REMEMBER THAT. I am constantly reminding myself of that. Where would we be without that? Life would be too hard to bear. These moments would be too hard to bear. Oh how I love my Lord.