Monday, March 8, 2010

A sad day...

Warning: It's a sad post day.

I was SO excited about this month. It was going great. No real symptoms predicting that my aunt flow (darn her) was due to arrive and there were even a few things that might possibly point to a pregnancy. My husband and I just kept thinking "This could be it!" and it was perfect because our families were coming to visit us just in time. We were thrilled that we might be able to actually share our excitement with them in person and not over the phone. We even went as far to think "Maybe this was God's plan all along."

Yet here I am, sitting here, feeling the cramps come and go. DANG. I know that twinge of pain too well. It's the pain that makes my heart sink every month. She is due to arrive tomorrow. Looks like she will be stopping by after all. GREAT.

Man am I bummed today. It figures that it would take her this long to start showing off her symptoms. I was so hopeful. That's what I get I guess. You would think that after this many months I would be used to it; that it wouldn't affect me so. For some reason, it hurts worse with each passing month. We are starting to forget what it was like to hope.

Tears pierce my eyes as I type this. I am sick to my stomach. I want to be a mother so badly. I want to know what it feels like to have a little one, OUR little one, growing inside of me. How wonderful would it be to feel him/her twisting and turning and kicking me just letting me know that he/she is in there. I could care less if I got stretch marks or gained weight. I could care less if I end up sick the entire time. It would all be worth it just knowing that I finally get to be a mommy!

I see so many of my friends with their first born children growing so fast and they are already thinking it's time to have a second. As happy as I am for them, something still tugs at my heart. It hurts. I can't lie about it.

No matter how much I pray, the disappointment is always there, stronger than ever. I suppose that's expected. The Lord knows my heart and He knows my temperament. He knows I will be hurt every time I receive that little (-) sign. That's how He created me. I just wish He would show me why.

We do continue to trust and obey Lord. It's what we were created for. So why must it be so difficult? It during these depressing moments that I am reminded of the opposing force. Oh how I hate him. Why does he have to make life so much harder for everyone? I can't blame him for our struggles to conceive but I can certainly blame him for the way it makes me feel every single month.

The Lord is good. I know that. I HAVE TO REMEMBER THAT. I am constantly reminding myself of that. Where would we be without that? Life would be too hard to bear. These moments would be too hard to bear. Oh how I love my Lord.


  1. {{hugs}}

    I know the heartache...and it hurt every.single.month.

    Saying a prayer that you will SOON see that positive pregnancy test, hun! I just found your blog from Supah--but if you ever need to talk email me, okay?

    {{hugs}} xo

  2. Hang in there and quit trying so hard! It will happen time, but you must nature take the course it wants to. I'm sure easier said than done, but just keep plugging away and every day life and one day you will be pleasantly surprised!

  3. Tears... continuing to pray for you every time you come to mind. I believe that your day is coming and when it does we will ALL rejoice in your exciting news!

  4. Stephanie,
    you have been heavy on my mind lately. i know that we have only seen each other a few times, etc. but i know your pain. when shaun and i were ttc there were so many times i cried myself to sleep or fought to smile as others announced their "happy news". it took us 3 years and all throughout that time i doubted our ability to have a child. i knew God meant for us to be parents. we got much information about adoption, researched our options, even set a date in our minds to begin the process. my sweet shaunie held out hope that we could see our little one that shared our genetics though my heart continued to doubt that outcome as a possibility. as much encouragement as people offered, it felt like no one really understood my longings or the way it hurt my heart each time i saw a - or the dreaded monthly arrival. that said, there are no words to make this better, i realize that, but i want you to know i am praying on your behalf trusting that God's perfect plan will soon be clear to your heart. please don't hesitate to ask for specific prayer or advice. keep your eyes to the sky...He knows your heart better than any other.
    In His Hands, Laura Nguyen


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